Practicing The Pause…….

The path toward self discovery starts at different times for everyone.  My time is right now.  I began seeing a psychotherapist recently and I’m so glad I did.  My husband has been telling me that it would be good for me to talk to someone for years and I brushed it off.  Thinking, ‘I can do this myself.  I know what’s best for me.’  I was wrong.  Therapy has been something different all together.  I’ll try to articulate how I feel about the process so far and how it seems to be nothing like I had imagined before the first session.  Come along with me on this adventure.

I have always been the one that others would confide in.  They could be friends, neighbors or strangers I met on the street.  Folks would open up to me and we would have deep conversations, mostly me asking questions and getting them to open up.  I wouldn’t share much personal information about me, except to let them know I understood where they were coming from.  I felt a sense of belonging during the time I would sit there and listen.  I didn’t think I was very interesting or that they wanted to hear about me.  I had an old friend tell me that anything healthy needs to be balanced.  That there should be give and take or some type of mutual exchange in any relationship.  It can’t be all one sided.  That just isn’t sustainable.  Those words rang true then and now.  

I knew all sorts of tidbits of knowledge and self help jargon, but I wouldn’t put them to use.  I would store them in my mind, but then seek out the next thing.  I would constantly search for something to keep my mind off of my feelings.  I wouldn’t look inside  at the thing/feeling/knowledge I had obtained because I’d already be worrying about the next thing I needed to grab on to.  It took a recent garden experience for me to recognize this important lesson and to see it in action.  I learned that it’s great that I put in all the work to get the garden together, mend the soil, tend the plants, pull the unwanted weeds, water the plants and vegetables.  I’d feel great about the beauty created and see the fruits ripening on the vine, but then I’d stop.  I’d pick a few of the fruits and then they would sit in the fridge and wither to nothing or sit on the counter in the kitchen.  I would look at those fruits of my labor and they would just sit there looking great, until they didn’t.  I was waiting for someone else to enjoy the fruits of my labor.    TRAUMA RESPONSE!  I had learned growing up that I was to do the work and then let someone else enjoy it.  At least that’s how I internalized the lesson.  My mema warned me about this type of thing when I was a kid, but I didn’t have any use for that advice then.  However, I sure do understand it now.  She said that everyone wanted her garden fresh vegetables if she offered it to them, but no one wanted to come by and help pick them from the garden.  My pawpaw would offer the fruits of her labor to the community and my mema didn’t have a say in it.  I can only assume this was done so that my pawpaw could be seen in a favorable way to the community.  ‘Look at how my garden produces.  Enjoy these fruits.’  This is my assumption, as I was only a baby when he passed away.  My mema’s perspective was that everyone wanted some of the garden veggies, but no one wanted to work alongside her for them.  She stopped offering her garden vegetables to people and enjoyed them herself.  How astonished I was to realize years later the valuable lesson she so quietly taught me.  So many of her words are ringing in my ears these days.  I’ll have to tell you more stories about her, but I’ll save that for another day.  Check out the story of The Little Red Hen from a children’s book written long ago.  

Okay, come on back to the present.  I have to say the biggest thing that seems to be working for me right now is to Practice The Pause.  I’ve listened to the self help book, Boundary Boss by Terri Cole. She has a really no-nonsense approach guide to helping you stop the people pleasing trauma response and she gives you the tools to build the life you want.  FOR YOU.  She also has a great podcast that you should check out at The Terri Cole Show.  Another great podcast that I listen to is the MindBodyGreen podcast where I gleen a wealth of information about making smarter and healthier choices and how to optimize my surroundings and myself.  Through all this, the lesson taught is that the best thing you can do for yourself is to practice the pause.  To learn how to respond and not react.  Those knee jerk reactions are the conditioned responses that could be healthy, but seem to mostly be ingrained responses from childhood or from coping strategies.  I would highly recommend checking out either of the knowledge nuggets suggested above if learning about taking care of your mental health is a goal you have.  

I'm still a very new newbie in this therapy thing, but it has been a tremendous springboard of ideas and opportunities for me to finally put into practice all the self help wowo I’ve learned over the years.  I love the wowo and I’m thankful to have it in my life.  What about you?  Let me know some of your experiences in the comments below.  What has been helpful to you on your mental health journey?  What books or podcasts or billboard signs :) have made a difference in your life?