Courage

Courage is the word of the day.  I am afraid of so many things and that fear stops me from participating in a lot of things that I might actually enjoy, if I give myself half a chance.  The sad part comes after the opportunity has passed and I have the disappointment of missing out on something.  This has happened sooooo many times in my life.  I feel unfulfilled and then when the universe presents an opportunity to experience something, I say, “No thank you.”   What the hell Tonya!  The universe is over there, ‘Hey see this, this is what you have been asking for, and you’re not going to jump at this?!?!’  Imagine the universe shaking their hands at the opportunity like, ‘hey here it is, TaDa’ and I’m sitting there a scared child shaking my head and closing my eyes out of fear.  No No No No  That roller coaster sucks (and I don’t like roller coaster rides)  :)  I’m afraid of heights, yet I want to go on the small engine planes that I see fly over my house from time to time.  I’m afraid of the water, but I long to be at the beach.  I’m afraid to be vulnerable around others, yet I crave their attention and connection.  I’m afraid of failure, so I don’t start anything.  I’m afraid to take advice, but I will freely give it out.  Like I know what’s best for someone else.  I am in therapy and my therapist gave me some advice that was given to them years ago.  “Here take my advice, I’m not using it.”  PROFOUND!  I loved that and have been using it ever since.  Using it to remind myself that I give advice alllll the time.  Almost all of those times it’s unsolicited.  Then I wonder why my friendships and relationships don’t last.  I have a lot of healing to do, a lot of forgiving myself, a lot of forgiving others, a lot of accepting responsibility for where I’m at in life, in all aspects.  My emotional, spiritual, physical and mental state is all of my own creation and I cannot blame anyone else for it.  I have to accept that responsibility and stop picking up others responsibilities like they are my own.  I also received some good advice from my therapist that went along the lines of this.  ‘If you do anything for anyone, do it from a place of love, not fear or obligation.  It’s in those moments of feeling obligated or propelled from fear to act that resentment is planted.’  If I choose to help someone, it should not come with strings attached.  Well, I did this for you so I can feel better about myself.  That’s not an act of love.  That’s an act of disgust.  I do a thing so that I feel better about myself because I’m not a good person to begin with, so I must do for others to make myself feel worthy of love.  CODEPENDENT much?  Back to courage…..I am scared to death of what may happen, good or bad.  From that place of fear, I still have to act, because I am the creator of my destiny.  That’s where the courage part comes in.  The action in the face of fear is where my power lies.  What’s the saying, Face Everything And Rise.  I choose that path.